Archive for the ‘art’ Category

Poem about my Jenn, yes I write poems too!

July 30, 2009

If you only read this blog and nothing else about me which is insane because I rarely update this you won’t know a big thing about me.  For the past 3 and 1/2 months I have had a girlfriend.  It’s one online but still lol!  Her name is Jennifer she is hot and sarcastic, bitchy and sexy all in one.  She has me on a short leash but I am lovin’ every minute of it.

This last month I have been telling her I want to write mushy love poems about her but that is a really bad idea.  She said go ahead and if you want just send them to me and not share with anybody else.  I decided not to until Thursday night.  This isn’t a particularly mushy poem writing about rainbows and care bears, it’s nice.  It’s more adult and intense.  I have read it about 5 times since I wrote it and I really like it.  You can of course have your own opinion but I thought some of you would appreciate me sharing.  It’s extremely rare get the urge to write poems this is probably the 5 time in my life I have gotten the urge.  I can’t think of a title for it.

Your light is my dark
My dark makes you feel less alone
Your dark feels less lonely when I let mine go
and that makes us both want more
I want to hold you until you are content
I want to learn your language until I can speak it
I want to search through your closet to find myself
I want to get lost in your dreams and save you from them
I find light in your dark
The dark we find together I will cherish forever
I used to do it alone but now when I do it it’s beautiful
I used to feel a burden now I can’t believe it was alive
You held my hand while I shed my skin
A person was born underneath all this clutter
you found a light under this darkness
but you keep all of it for yourself
you want it all even what I don’t want
you look at my blemishes like they are perfection
you drink me in and appreciate things I don’t even know I do
I am going to attempt to spend my life fullfilling you
filling you up with this perfection
cracking your shell slightly each time
and loving the way you move
with every pace
every stroke
every time you stare at me
I feel I can talk to you freely
its like a warm blanket and a cup of cocoa that never gets cold
inside jokes that make us whole
rituals that get us through this life together
coping with the chaos that surrounds us
lights and noises that quickly buzz around us
while we can only stare at each other
mesmerized with the fact we met each other
even after all this time
all the ups and downs it just gets better
the ocean can’t get any wetter

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I’m doing this again, bear with me…

March 11, 2009

I am listening to morning talk radio as I type this so this might be really random and spotty.  I hope not.

Anybody that knows me, I mean REALLY knows me knows I’m a thinker.  I think and psycho analyze every situation.  I love thought provoking movies, thought provoking music, I love thought provoking youtube videos and blogs, I love hypothetical scenarios, I just love to think.  I think that might be a curse and a blessing because it makes me hesitant and freak out over the littlest things sometimes.  I try to look at things like an average person would, and let things be but it’s so hard sometimes.  I think it’s a mix of my personality and a girl thing because there are so many stories out there of women thinking because a guy didn’t take the garbage out that means they are cheating but they just forgot or something like that.

But the reason why I am typing this for you all is because I am starting to really want to draw art to sell again.  I want to start listing drawings and other artwork on Etsy so very bad.  I think and think about it and like I said before I have always hated the thought of a regular job (no offense to people with one, it’s me and not you) and I spent up until I was 18 fantasizing about making a living off of my drawing skill.  The teachers told me that I developed my own style at 18 people.  They said you usually don’t until your in your 40’s.  They said they usually see about 3-5 kids like that in their whole career.  A class of about 30 kids a few times a day that is a pretty good compliment to another person.

Me, I wanted them to say just one, me.  One thing I have always wanted people to say this is perfect, everybody else is flawed in was drawing and artwork but not you.  I have a few online friends that do artwork that I am ok with and one that I am close to I actually love encouraging.  Her style is completely different then mine, it’s more realistic paintings you would hang over your mantle.  You know, bowls of fruit and what not.

The point is, I don’t feel competitive with her, but if I see a drawing close to what I would draw I feel competitive.  I don’t think that will go away for years.  I don’t know if it’s because I am younger or just part of my insecurities or what.  I think after I start to build a name for myself  ‘crossing my fingers’ that will fade.  Because that is a ridiculous thought right?  Right?!?

I’m trying so hard to just tell myself to just shut up and do it.  Just do it.  It’s stupid, like a middle schooler to sit around being stupid about it.  Just draw and list.  Draw and list.  I have told my aunt and my best friend Harry this let alone myself.  Just draw and list.  I have been reading the Etsy community forum (message boards) for helpful tips and also I love how encouraging they are to each other.  I try to pretend like they are talking to me.  Because if they love the lady that sells scrabble tiles in a tin for way too much money they would love my pencil drawings right?  Right?!?!?

The advice that I always hear for every medium is do your art like how you would like it.  Do it if you think it would be a good idea for you.  Then other people will like it as well.  If you draw something you wouldn’t particularly care for it won’t sell as much as if you like the drawing.

This drives me nuts.  I want someone to tell me to draw a table.  Or fruit.  Or a photo.  Or something.  Because if someone else tells me it’s a good idea then I don’t have to depend on myself thinking it’s good.  I think I am very smart it’s just I am me.  I am an odd duckling.  What I like the majority usually doesn’t like.  Can’t you tell so far?  lol…

Hunchback

This is the first drawing I listed for sale last time which was in January of last year.  I love the Disney movie Hunchback of Notre Dame, I just watched it at the time for the first time in years, and I was inspired.  I took about 2 hours to draw this, I was proud of the shadowing and details and I still am.

I wish there was some space around the edges so framing and matting would be easier.  I will not frame things before sending them it’s just easier for lots of reasons.  I was proud that there was an actual background because if you look at some of my sketches in my old sketch journal there is usually no background.  It’s just some dude or chick standing there giving the peace sign.  This looked like something that is complete and ‘normal’ people would like it and find nothing wrong with it.

Shut up and list it.  Just do it.  Just draw and then list it.  Not this what if there is something slightly wrong with this idea bullshit.  This is acceptable.  Why can’t I get over that there might just be something acceptable and profitable about myself?  I feel deep down like what if someone bought something like that drawing up there from me and I sent it to them.  The Christmas after last I drew the celebrity ANT (I consider him an online friend and he has helped me out emotionally) and sent him the drawing.  He loved it.  He has it in his house.  It’s not framed (which I would love for  him to fork over the money to frame it and then hang it up, the picture is small and in the middle of the paper) but it’s there.  He would never say anything bad about me, he wouldn’t say anything bad about anybody that is in the community we built together.  But why am I freaked out about someone BUYING something of mine, and then having it in THEIR house??

I think it boils down to I am so insecure ‘gasp’ that I would feel like I would be scamming them.  I am so insecure that I feel if a drawing of mine is a gift for free they can’t complain because you can’t complain about free.  I know buying is voluntary (which is another fear, if I had lots of things listed w/o a purchase ever) but still.  I feel I would be ripping a perfect stranger off by selling my art to them.  This art comes from a vulnerable place, I don’t want to sound stuck up but people that aren’t creators can’t really understand that.  If someone said this isn’t good (which isn’t really possible, because there are no accidents in art) and I should quit then I would get angry at them then doubtful of myself.

This is what I proudly call “knife guy” I had this idea in my head for several months when I was 18 and right out of high school and then when I was house sitting in august of 2000 I sat down with a big drawing pad, a pencil, a white eraser in the recliner in my Grandparents front room in front of their tv with the drawing pad on a tv tray.  I don’t know how long it took to draw but it took quite a while.  At least 3-4 hours.  Mostly erasing and redrawing little things over and over again until it looked right.

I love everything about it.  I love the angle and perspective of the table, I love the chips in the knife, I love the look on his face, I love the stubble, I love his irregular shirt.  I think imperfections add character.   If you are decent at drawing the imagination is endless and you can draw anything.  It’s your own world.  But I think it is better when the proportions are realistic and it’s not too off kilter.  I could never sell this drawing, it reminds me of a girl that had such hope and potential.  It is who I aspire to be.  I wish I could do a drawing like this one everyday.

I try to talk to Harry about this.  He isn’t an artist.  He is really good at doing blueprints, but that is the closest thing he is to one.  I keep on trying to get some hope from him.  He doesn’t want to tell me just what I want to hear, I kind of want that too.  He tells me I need to practice because I haven’t done it in so long.  Every time he says that I want to smack him.  It’s like riding a bike, and with technology as it is handwriting as well.  Once you learn how you never forget.  I tell him that and he shrugs and says I am not an artist so I don’t know what to tell you.  I also ask if he thinks my drawings are good.  He says some he loves and some he doesn’t like so much.  I appreciate his honesty so don’t send any mail bombs with his name on them please.

1500+ words later and in the same place you see how I over analyze things.   I think I should just shut up and do it.  Right?  Right?!?