How to make love to a trans person

This is a amazing poem that I read I wanted to share it.  The author is Gabe Moses.

Forget the images you’ve learned to attach

To words like cock and clit,

Chest and breasts.

Break those words open

Like a paramedic cracking ribs

To pump blood through a failing heart.

Push your hands inside.

Get them messy.

Scratch new definitions on the bones.

Get rid of the old words altogether.

Make up new words.

Call it a click or a ditto.

Call it the sound he makes

When you brush your hand against it through his jeans,

When you can hear his heart knocking on the back of his teeth

And every cell in his body is breathing.

Make the arch of her back a language

Name the hollows of each of her vertebrae

When they catch pools of sweat

Like rainwater in a row of paper cups

Align your teeth with this alphabet of her spine

So every word is weighted with the salt of her.

When you peel layers of clothing from his skin

Do not act as though you are changing dressings on a trauma patient

Even though it’s highly likely that you are.

Do not ask if she’s “had the surgery.”

Do not tell him that the needlepoint bruises on his thighs look like they hurt

If you are being offered a body

That has already been laid upon an altar of surgical steel

A sacrifice to whatever gods govern bodies

That come with some assembly required

Whatever you do,

Do not say that the carefully sculpted landscape

Bordered by rocky ridges of scar tissue

Looks almost natural.

If she offers you breastbone

Aching to carve soft fruit from its branches

Though there may be more tissue in the lining of her bra

Than the flesh that rises to meet it

Let her ripen in your hands.

Imagine if she’d lost those swells to cancer,

Diabetes,

A car accident instead of an accident of genetics

Would you think of her as less a woman then?

Then think of her as no less one now.

If he offers you a thumb-sized sprout of muscle

Reaching toward you when you kiss him

Like it wants to go deep enough inside you

To scratch his name on the bottom of your heart

Hold it as if it can-

In your hand, in your mouth

Inside the nest of your pelvic bones.

Though his skin may hardly do more than brush yours,

You will feel him deeper than you think.

Realize that bodies are only a fraction of who we are

They’re just oddly-shaped vessels for hearts

And honestly, they can barely contain us

We strain at their seams with every breath we take

We are all pulse and sweat,

Tissue and nerve ending

We are programmed to grope and fumble until we get it right.

Bodies have been learning each other forever.

It’s what bodies do.

They are grab bags of parts

And half the fun is figuring out

All the different ways we can fit them together;

All the different uses for hipbones and hands,

Tongues and teeth;

All the ways to car-crash our bodies beautiful.

But we could never forget how to use our hearts

Even if we tried.

That’s the important part.

Don’t worry about the bodies.

They’ve got this.

This is how I feel about that thing…

I know the format is screwed up.  A few months ago I was feeling ambitious and wanted to post more.  I wanted to revamp this blog and didn’t finish tweaking.  I hope the text isn’t too hard to read.  I will fix it eventually.

I just got done writing this comment about the woman that wanted to wear a hijib to work at Disney.   After reading all of the right wing Christian angry comments I got inspired to write this.  The article is here.  I have this argument with my girlfriend Jennifer all the time.  I would write more but I think I summed it up well in my comment.  If you post an ignorant, argumentative comment on this blog I will remove it.  If you feel really strongly about this issue you can write about it on your own blog, or do a video on youtube or something like that.  The kind of attitude that was expressed in the comments of the mentioned article will not be tolerated on MY blog.  I feel as a lesbian it’s hypocritical of me to judge other minorities based on stereotypes and conclusions.  Muslims are a minority in this country.  So I feel strongly about this.  Anyway this is what I wrote.

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I just want to say that I am an Atheist. I think religion complicates things and gives people false hope about the afterlife. I think we should all do what is right in our heart and not what someone tells us to do.

About 6 years ago I worked at a call center and about 5 women wore burkas there. I overheard one of them say to the other nobody talks to us anymore, after 9/11 they think we are all terrorists. They just stare and whisper about us behind our backs. I feel bad about what happened, but I don’t think it’s right how we are treated. I am paraphrasing but that is what I overheard. And I felt that sinking feeling, in the pit of my stomach. You know like when you were a kid and you are getting yelled at for doing something careless and thoughtless.

In the break room I walked up to one of them while I was getting something out of the vending machine. I said so how has your day been so far? She went on about her day, and I hope that meant something to her, because that meant something to me. I think she said thank you for asking. I meant to apologize for the ignorance she was faced, but I didn’t want to get into a heavy conversation. I just wanted to prove to her a white 20 something girl like me can look her in the eyes and give her respect. I think that strength is something that everybody should have. We are all adults here, we should act like adults.

America is built on a melting pot of people. Not just the top 10 most popular. We should never ever point fingers and say it wasn’t my fault it was THEIR fault. That is not how things get done. I think that is childish and irresponsible. People are people, and you don’t know anything about this woman, just the slanted truth out of this article.

You don’t know her favorite tv show, her favorite book, her favorite flavor of ice cream. Does she have children, does she want children, what is the sexiest celebrity in her opinion. Her hopes her dreams, nothing. But you spout your mouth off like you know everything. For shame. Generalizing and judging just pushes you into a corner. I read every comment.

I admire people like the women that I met and saw at the call center that I worked at because they were a minority. They were only about 5 of them but they wore Burkas to work and they took the cold stares and judging. All of the people that are in America love it, this country they love just as much as any God fearing, red blooded, American redneck. And trust me I live in a small town I have seen my share. They tough it out because it’s worth it to them. And I respect that. We should respect one another because spewing hate and lies gets you nowhere. We should love everybody as brothers and sisters. Not just the white Christians, but all. Because that puts the best foot forward.

Poem about my Jenn, yes I write poems too!

If you only read this blog and nothing else about me which is insane because I rarely update this you won’t know a big thing about me.  For the past 3 and 1/2 months I have had a girlfriend.  It’s one online but still lol!  Her name is Jennifer she is hot and sarcastic, bitchy and sexy all in one.  She has me on a short leash but I am lovin’ every minute of it.

This last month I have been telling her I want to write mushy love poems about her but that is a really bad idea.  She said go ahead and if you want just send them to me and not share with anybody else.  I decided not to until Thursday night.  This isn’t a particularly mushy poem writing about rainbows and care bears, it’s nice.  It’s more adult and intense.  I have read it about 5 times since I wrote it and I really like it.  You can of course have your own opinion but I thought some of you would appreciate me sharing.  It’s extremely rare get the urge to write poems this is probably the 5 time in my life I have gotten the urge.  I can’t think of a title for it.

Your light is my dark
My dark makes you feel less alone
Your dark feels less lonely when I let mine go
and that makes us both want more
I want to hold you until you are content
I want to learn your language until I can speak it
I want to search through your closet to find myself
I want to get lost in your dreams and save you from them
I find light in your dark
The dark we find together I will cherish forever
I used to do it alone but now when I do it it’s beautiful
I used to feel a burden now I can’t believe it was alive
You held my hand while I shed my skin
A person was born underneath all this clutter
you found a light under this darkness
but you keep all of it for yourself
you want it all even what I don’t want
you look at my blemishes like they are perfection
you drink me in and appreciate things I don’t even know I do
I am going to attempt to spend my life fullfilling you
filling you up with this perfection
cracking your shell slightly each time
and loving the way you move
with every pace
every stroke
every time you stare at me
I feel I can talk to you freely
its like a warm blanket and a cup of cocoa that never gets cold
inside jokes that make us whole
rituals that get us through this life together
coping with the chaos that surrounds us
lights and noises that quickly buzz around us
while we can only stare at each other
mesmerized with the fact we met each other
even after all this time
all the ups and downs it just gets better
the ocean can’t get any wetter

25 random things about me

This will be a fairly lighthearted interesting blog.  I wasn’t tagged when my friend did this on her blog so I don’t HAVE to do this but I thought it would be fun for not only for me but for you as well.  Come back here!!  Don’t make me tie you down to your chairs!!  Ok good.  Upon writing a lot of it I realized a lot of these are several facts about me into one paragraph but it’s still appropriate in this format I think.

1.  After the show Sober House I have had a fairly unhealthy fascination with Andy Dick.  I regularly visit his blog (on andydick.com) and I watched his live stream of his act 3 times 3 days in a row a couple of weeks ago.  When people bad mouth him I get very irritated and want to come to his defense but I keep my mouth shut (me? mouth? shut? NEVER!) because it’s not worth anybody’s time.  I feel Andy and I would be instant good friends and I relate to him in a lot of ways.  I think we tell stories in similar ways, he has a lot of similar stories to tell, and if I wrote songs I think I would write songs in a similar way.  I feel a very strong connection to him since that show.

2.  I don’t enjoy drinking, cigarettes turn me off and the thought of doing drugs turns me off too.  I feel everybody has the right to do drugs though as long as they are home (so they don’t have to make the decision to drive while intoxicated or not) and they are not around me!!  I feel drugs should be legalized and taxed the hell out of.  Then that money should come full circle into decent rehab clinics, halfway houses and various things.  My general philosophy is if you are making the choice for yourself if you want to do something or not it should be legal.

3.  Most of the people I have met that are the most interesting have only been for a brief time.  Either in a job interview process, a vacation, I met them in an interesting experience, a substitute teacher I have only had once or twice etc.  I think if I kept in touch it might of ruined it.

4.  I love cheesy bubble gum pop and general cheesy pop songs from the 80’s and 90’s.  I have several songs on my external hard drive (1,200 and counting) and a significant amount of them are songs I get a nostalgic feeling every time I hear them.  This is an interesting fact because current music like this I do not like.  You can keep Britney Spears, I will play the Killers, System of a Down, the White Stripes, Pink, etc. thank you.

5.  I have a fascination with Miley Cyrus.  I admire her for being able to have enough self discipline to do all of the high school stuff as well as learn dancing for concerts, to go on tour, to do publicity etc. She has seen things I probably will never see (as the other way around of course) and has had and will have opportunities I will never have.  I don’t like it when people bash her, I think she is a decent role model.  She is just human after all.  I have a few songs downloaded of hers and listen to them but I wouldn’t call myself a fan per say.  Just someone that admires from a distance.  I am subbed to her youtube account and I just think it’s fascinating that this girl jokes like an average 16 year old on youtube and she has so many millions of dollars and has done so much.

6.  This is going to sound really really REALLY naive but… I feel Michael Jackson didn’t do it.  I think those people were just trying to get money.  I feel really bad for him.  That was the beginning of the end.

7.  The only fish I will eat is tuna.  When I was a kid I would go with my Grandparents from my Dad’s side of the family fishing when I visited them for a week or two in the summer.  For years when they caught a fish or two my Grandma would cook them up and serve them that night or the night after and I would fake that I liked it.  One night when I was 11, staring at a piece of fish she put on my plate I confessed.  My sister told me to shut up and eat it but I refused.  My Grandma just said ok your not eating any meat then is that ok and I couldn’t of been happier.  She died when I was 12 so I could of choked a few more down for my Grandma.  I need to write about my only memories from my Dad’s side of my family from visiting my Grandparents in this blog someday.  It’s a very interesting topic indeed.

8.  If I cook something for other people to eat as well as myself I always eat the part that is imperfect and give them the good part.  I am disappointed with myself when someone makes a comment that something is slightly off with my cooking or baking.  Even if they are really nice about it.  Even with Harry I am like that.

9.  Most of the text message conversations Harry and I have are him saying, “I love you babe very much” and me responding, “I love you too babe very much” also, “Muah with Love” and me saying, “Muah with love back” if that sounds so random you can’t understand why (which I don’t say to blame you) we do that so often it’s just to ping each other and to say hi throughout the night.  He calls me little babe as a pet name and I call him babe.  If someone else called him babe or called me babe I would be so upset.  Not really but you should never ever do it.  That is just something him and I do but I feel vulnerable telling you this.  In a good warm in fuzzy way.

10.  I can’t decide if I am bad at procrastinating or good at it.  I sometimes put off something the entire night that only takes 20 minutes to do.  Right after I am done writing this blog I am going to repost my hunchback drawing on Etsy.  I have been putting that off all week.  The interwebz just takes up a lot of time is all!!  Now that I think about it procrastination takes up a lot of time lol.

11.  I have been told by 3-4 people I look a lot like John Travolta in this last year and nobody has said it previously.  Like I could be his long lost daughter.  One person started the comment with “No offense but…” why would I take offense?  I love that I look similar to Travolta Baby!!  My cousin Bill calls him that.  Bill is one of the funniest people I know so I try to steal his isms any chance I get.

12. Every time a mac user starts raving about how great Apple is and how Apple can do no wrong I get very irritated.  Just because I use a pc it doesn’t mean I suck HP’s (I am using an HP laptop) and Microsoft’s proverbial cock every chance I get.  It’s annoying how defensive they get before anybody even makes it so they have to be.  I don’t buy products because I agree with the company politically and their image.  I just like the thing.  Ok?  And Bill Gates still owns a significant amount of Apple stock anyway.  Oh snap!

13. One time I got hit by a truck on my bike when I was about 15.  All afternoon I was on my bike and I stopped at the end of the street several times and stopped for the cars to wave me by several times.  This one guy I thought well he sees me and while I was going ahead he slammed right into me.  The nice guy kept on saying are you alright?  Do you need to go to the hospital?  I said no it’s ok I’m fine he put my bike in the bed of his truck and I asked if he could take me to where I needed to go.  He happily agreed and took me there.  I never saw him again.  I really was fine but I never rode that bike again, the front wheel was bent out of shape and and made the bike unrideable.  I never told my Grandparents what happened.  The bike was a bitchin’ black husky boys bike.  With Simpsons bike stickers all over it.

14.  I think one of the major things that I feel disappointed I wasn’t born with was the gift to sing well.  It was empathized when the show American Idol started.

15.  I adore Rosie O’ Donnell.  No wait come back!!  I admire her opinionated side, her parenting side, her spouse side, her goofy side, etc.  I feel I really relate to her on so many levels.  I sometimes think of myself as a younger version of her.  Don’t laugh!  I mean I kind of look like her, I’m a lesbian, I am artistic, I am funny, I want to adopt children when I am older, I’m misunderstood, our politics are the same, etc.  I would be in heaven if I spent the day with her at her house in her art studio.  And then later Kelli would make us strip steak, baked potatoes and salad for dinner.  I have it all planned out in my head.

16.  Many times I google something just to confirm I am right.  I hate being wrong even if it’s slightly wrong.  I hate being corrected, it makes me uncomfortable like that person is judging me.  I just googled to confirm Kelli’s name is spelled Kelli instead of Kelly for example.

17. If someone just said something wrong around me it bothers me.  I feel I have to correct them.  Hypocrisy yes a little but I can’t help it.

18. I don’t have any if only very little sentimental value towards the two movies Princess Bride and the Neverending Story.  Those two are the most popular it seems that I just don’t get excited to hear other people’s stories about.  I am just meh about them.  I have tons of other movies we can gush and talk about though!

19. I used to use a cubby space type of shelving unit growing up until I moved out of the house.  They were pale grey plastic tubs with matching plastic legs that kept it together.  They were about 9 of them and my clothes went in them.  Well one night while I was about to go to sleep I don’t remember how old I was I think I was a Freshman in high school I was sticking my fingers through the grid like holes.  I got my finger STUCK in the hole and couldn’t get it out.  I took out the clothes in it and the other container that was on top and ran into where my Grandma was sitting and showed her.  She said can you sleep with it on and we can go to the er in the morning?  A few minutes later I got it off myself.  Not my brightest moment.

20.  Rule of thumb.  If someone says something insulting to me, somebody I care about, or the point they are making is against what I believe in, but it’s funny I am ok with it.   I have left comments on my youtube videos up that are an insult to me just because it was funny and made me laugh.  I usually delete every negative comment on my videos.  I do argue on others videos though.  I have a strange satisfaction when it’s not when I win exactly it’s just they give up arguing with me lol.

Almost there!!!

21. I am subscribed to 149 people on youtube.  I spend at least an hour and a half to two hours a day watching new videos from people I am subscribed to.  If we couldn’t afford cable anymore and had to turn it off I wouldn’t miss it much because I watch youtube more it seems.  And I can find the shows I really like on the internet and download movies etc.

22. I feel I have a very unique way of looking at the world.  So unique it’s hard to describe and I could either not explain it in order for someone else to understand or if they did understand they would think I am nutty.  I don’t have a huge ego at all I just feel I observe the world differently then most people.  I think it’s one of my gifts.

23. Another person I adore is the Amazing Atheist on youtube.  I agree with 99.9% of what he says, I have weird perversions like he does, I enjoy his sense of humor and sarcasm because I act that way too, oh it’s so many reasons.  He is brilliant yet lazy like I am.  If I were strait I would have such a raging crush on him.  I have been known to say groupie esque like things about him before.  I know this doesn’t sound right to you but it sounds right to me and that is all that matters IMO.  I tell myself all the time if I were strait he would be the one I would want to marry and there is nothing wrong with that.  I just saw a picture of his supposed girlfriend on his myspace.  I am way prettier.

24.  I won’t tell you who but I unsubscribed to somebody on youtube that I am still friends with.  I won’t tell you why because then I think you could put the pieces together in your head but it was because it was for several annoying reasons.  I occasionally look up their channel and watch a video or two but I cannot stand watching their videos on a regular basis.

25. You know the saying there is no stupid question just the question that isn’t asked?  I think that is a load of crap you tell a kid so they won’t feel stupid.  I LOATHE it when people ask a question they either could a. think about their question for a minute or two and figure out the answer themselves or b. wait a little while to get their answer instead of interrupting someone to ask their question.  There are others but that is the main two.  One of the reasons why I love the internet is I can avoid asking questions and I can just google up the answer myself.

I hope this was an insightful blog that told you a little bit more about me.  More about what you knew already about me, some things you had no clue about, and just an overall insightful and entertaining blog.

I’m doing this again, bear with me…

I am listening to morning talk radio as I type this so this might be really random and spotty.  I hope not.

Anybody that knows me, I mean REALLY knows me knows I’m a thinker.  I think and psycho analyze every situation.  I love thought provoking movies, thought provoking music, I love thought provoking youtube videos and blogs, I love hypothetical scenarios, I just love to think.  I think that might be a curse and a blessing because it makes me hesitant and freak out over the littlest things sometimes.  I try to look at things like an average person would, and let things be but it’s so hard sometimes.  I think it’s a mix of my personality and a girl thing because there are so many stories out there of women thinking because a guy didn’t take the garbage out that means they are cheating but they just forgot or something like that.

But the reason why I am typing this for you all is because I am starting to really want to draw art to sell again.  I want to start listing drawings and other artwork on Etsy so very bad.  I think and think about it and like I said before I have always hated the thought of a regular job (no offense to people with one, it’s me and not you) and I spent up until I was 18 fantasizing about making a living off of my drawing skill.  The teachers told me that I developed my own style at 18 people.  They said you usually don’t until your in your 40’s.  They said they usually see about 3-5 kids like that in their whole career.  A class of about 30 kids a few times a day that is a pretty good compliment to another person.

Me, I wanted them to say just one, me.  One thing I have always wanted people to say this is perfect, everybody else is flawed in was drawing and artwork but not you.  I have a few online friends that do artwork that I am ok with and one that I am close to I actually love encouraging.  Her style is completely different then mine, it’s more realistic paintings you would hang over your mantle.  You know, bowls of fruit and what not.

The point is, I don’t feel competitive with her, but if I see a drawing close to what I would draw I feel competitive.  I don’t think that will go away for years.  I don’t know if it’s because I am younger or just part of my insecurities or what.  I think after I start to build a name for myself  ‘crossing my fingers’ that will fade.  Because that is a ridiculous thought right?  Right?!?

I’m trying so hard to just tell myself to just shut up and do it.  Just do it.  It’s stupid, like a middle schooler to sit around being stupid about it.  Just draw and list.  Draw and list.  I have told my aunt and my best friend Harry this let alone myself.  Just draw and list.  I have been reading the Etsy community forum (message boards) for helpful tips and also I love how encouraging they are to each other.  I try to pretend like they are talking to me.  Because if they love the lady that sells scrabble tiles in a tin for way too much money they would love my pencil drawings right?  Right?!?!?

The advice that I always hear for every medium is do your art like how you would like it.  Do it if you think it would be a good idea for you.  Then other people will like it as well.  If you draw something you wouldn’t particularly care for it won’t sell as much as if you like the drawing.

This drives me nuts.  I want someone to tell me to draw a table.  Or fruit.  Or a photo.  Or something.  Because if someone else tells me it’s a good idea then I don’t have to depend on myself thinking it’s good.  I think I am very smart it’s just I am me.  I am an odd duckling.  What I like the majority usually doesn’t like.  Can’t you tell so far?  lol…

This is the first drawing I listed for sale last time which was in January of last year.  I love the Disney movie Hunchback of Notre Dame, I just watched it at the time for the first time in years, and I was inspired.  I took about 2 hours to draw this, I was proud of the shadowing and details and I still am.

I wish there was some space around the edges so framing and matting would be easier.  I will not frame things before sending them it’s just easier for lots of reasons.  I was proud that there was an actual background because if you look at some of my sketches in my old sketch journal there is usually no background.  It’s just some dude or chick standing there giving the peace sign.  This looked like something that is complete and ‘normal’ people would like it and find nothing wrong with it.

Shut up and list it.  Just do it.  Just draw and then list it.  Not this what if there is something slightly wrong with this idea bullshit.  This is acceptable.  Why can’t I get over that there might just be something acceptable and profitable about myself?  I feel deep down like what if someone bought something like that drawing up there from me and I sent it to them.  The Christmas after last I drew the celebrity ANT (I consider him an online friend and he has helped me out emotionally) and sent him the drawing.  He loved it.  He has it in his house.  It’s not framed (which I would love for  him to fork over the money to frame it and then hang it up, the picture is small and in the middle of the paper) but it’s there.  He would never say anything bad about me, he wouldn’t say anything bad about anybody that is in the community we built together.  But why am I freaked out about someone BUYING something of mine, and then having it in THEIR house??

I think it boils down to I am so insecure ‘gasp’ that I would feel like I would be scamming them.  I am so insecure that I feel if a drawing of mine is a gift for free they can’t complain because you can’t complain about free.  I know buying is voluntary (which is another fear, if I had lots of things listed w/o a purchase ever) but still.  I feel I would be ripping a perfect stranger off by selling my art to them.  This art comes from a vulnerable place, I don’t want to sound stuck up but people that aren’t creators can’t really understand that.  If someone said this isn’t good (which isn’t really possible, because there are no accidents in art) and I should quit then I would get angry at them then doubtful of myself.

This is what I proudly call “knife guy” I had this idea in my head for several months when I was 18 and right out of high school and then when I was house sitting in august of 2000 I sat down with a big drawing pad, a pencil, a white eraser in the recliner in my Grandparents front room in front of their tv with the drawing pad on a tv tray.  I don’t know how long it took to draw but it took quite a while.  At least 3-4 hours.  Mostly erasing and redrawing little things over and over again until it looked right.

I love everything about it.  I love the angle and perspective of the table, I love the chips in the knife, I love the look on his face, I love the stubble, I love his irregular shirt.  I think imperfections add character.   If you are decent at drawing the imagination is endless and you can draw anything.  It’s your own world.  But I think it is better when the proportions are realistic and it’s not too off kilter.  I could never sell this drawing, it reminds me of a girl that had such hope and potential.  It is who I aspire to be.  I wish I could do a drawing like this one everyday.

I try to talk to Harry about this.  He isn’t an artist.  He is really good at doing blueprints, but that is the closest thing he is to one.  I keep on trying to get some hope from him.  He doesn’t want to tell me just what I want to hear, I kind of want that too.  He tells me I need to practice because I haven’t done it in so long.  Every time he says that I want to smack him.  It’s like riding a bike, and with technology as it is handwriting as well.  Once you learn how you never forget.  I tell him that and he shrugs and says I am not an artist so I don’t know what to tell you.  I also ask if he thinks my drawings are good.  He says some he loves and some he doesn’t like so much.  I appreciate his honesty so don’t send any mail bombs with his name on them please.

1500+ words later and in the same place you see how I over analyze things.   I think I should just shut up and do it.  Right?  Right?!?

Birthday chat room Party

I am going to have a birthday party tonight 6pm pacific time 9pm eastern.  All my friends are welcome.

Here is the link to the chat room.

I hope to see you there!

I am sad, but I chose to be this way (movie reviews, rambles)

Emotions are an interesting thing.  They make us feel like we are on top of the world or on the bottom of it.  Sometimes like how I described in my sad movies blog, we choose to be sad, sappy and emotional.  Especially women but not exclusively.  I have guy friends I SWEAR I do that are a sucker sometimes for a sad sappy movie.  The based on true story ones are the worst because you try to imagine someone really going through that.  I know it’s blown out of proportion for reasons Hollywood think are right but it still makes us cry while we are smiling.  We smile because we realized that we got sucked in by something artificial and fake.

I know I have literally had my eyes swelled up with tears while I am chuckling at myself during a sad movie.  The last time I did that was the last time I watched E.T. last November.  I was crying because of Elliot and E.T. being sick and I was laughing at myself because that is just what Hollywood manipulates you how to feel like.  Also I have seen that movie so many times I couldn’t even tell you how many.  I will smell your pine trees and fog machine someday you freakin’ alien.

But I don’t want to go on a ramble about that right now.  I have something so much more sad to talk about.  I warned you!  The reason why I like being sad sometimes is you realize how wrapped up in the superficial world around you sometimes you don’t realize the broad range of emotions you can get into and why that great emotional range is what makes your life well rounded.  I just feel lucky when it’s all said and done when it’s just a movie and not something really worth crying about.  This last month or so on the on screen guide on our DVR I have seen the Diary of Anne Frank pop up so I set the DVR to record it last week.  It’s the 1980 version with Melissa Gilbert playing Anne Frank.  Melissa Gilbert was in the show Little House on the Prairie and this was during the time that show was on the air.  I love that show too.  I love fantasizing in my head while watching it if I could survive in settlers times and what would I be good at.  That show was in syndication when I was in the 3rd grade.  We were learning about the Oregon Trail (talking about the Apple II game is a WHOLE ‘nother blog article!) and how people had it so much different then we do now.  I mean, those people worked so hard just for some butter!  I actually think about that stuff quite a bit especially when I am feeling really lazy.

Also when I was a kid we learned about the Holocaust.  I have always been fascinated by learning about World War II, Hitler, Nazis, Concentration Camps, the whole thing.  I am not a history buff like some people but every once in a while I do devote a few hours to talking about it and learning more details.  I am a sick fuck so I am fascinated with learning about Concentration Camps.  Don’t judge me my brain made me that way.  I think it was terrible just like the next decent person it’s just human nature is so interesting to me.  Decent people are boring I want to learn about twisted freaks, ya know?

If you can imagine one time in my life when I was in the 6th grade I used to go to the library on a regular basis.  I got a bike the summer going into the 6th grade and I followed my oldest sister during the summer time while she visited to get teenage novels and magazines and then I would follow her back home.  I noticed one day they rented out VHS tapes too.  We just learned about World War II so I was naturally curious about the Diary of Anne Frank.  At that time I watched the 1959 version.

I told my Grandma before I got it I was thinking about checking it out and she said she wanted me to get it because she wanted to watch it too.  That felt like a compliment to me and a big deal because she always has been rarely interested in movies or tv other then Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy and when the Blazers are playing basketball.   She multitasked through it but still listened.  We played the movie in a different room she usually sits in so that felt like a big deal in itself that she was willing to spend an hour and a half in a different room she usually watches tv in.  Just trust me on those last 4 lines, that was all different and cool as a kid growing up.  From the library I also checked out Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3.  I am not much of a reader.

This is the trailer for the 1959 version.  Black and white to me needs a lot of patience.  Not to offend but I am not that much into black and white movies.  That is a step up from reading a book to me.  I would have to think for a minute or two if you gave me a choice between a black and white movie or a book.

Earlier watching the 1980 version I enjoyed slowly getting sucked into the sappy Hollywoodness of Anne Frank.  Most everybody wants to live on past their lifetime.  That is why people have children, or write blogs, or take pictures of themselves.  They hate the thought of being forgotten after they die.  I feel that way too but I don’t think about it too much.  I always kind of assume that people will talk about me long after I am gone.  This blog barely scrapes the surface of why I am unique and why people are fascinated by me.  Yes I made a story about the Holocaust about me shut up.

Anne is going to live on for decades I think.  She was a talkative, outgoing, cheery 13 year old when the movie started.  She danced, talked, tried to make everybody happy and I think really was the lit candle for everybody.  The spark that kept everybody’s hopes up at least a little.  When a man Mr. Dussell moves in he complains about everything and it’s obvious that in his life he is used to having his space and his things in order.  That really makes Anne upset because she has to share  a room with him.  A mature strict older man and an immature outgoing slightly clumsy 13 year old girl do not mesh well.  I think that Anne brushes off on Mr. Dussell and it’s endearing.  I think they should of been fortunate that the youngest was 13, I cannot imagine how it would of been like trying to contain a toddler in that situation.

The last part of the movie they are all going crazy with cabin fever, and cranky with starvation.  They are starting to think of ways to back stab each other, and their personalities change so much.  It made me think about how you could easily trick someone into doing something they usually wouldn’t like killing a family member just by giving them very little food.  I think we should all feel extremely lucky just if we all have enough to eat the rest of our lives.  I watched the movie Alive about a month ago and that is another situation like that.  I won’t go into it but if you are still reading this the movie Alive is worth watching at least once.

My favorite moment of the Diary of Anne Frank is when they celebrate Hanukkah expecting no presents and Anne scrounges up materials to make them each very thoughtful gifts.  I remember that from a kid.  I remember her uncle I believe it was got two cigarettes that she made out of the tobacco from the bottom of the guy that owned the house’s pockets.

I think everybody knows what happens to the family.  The movie I watched earlier felt more like a play then a movie because it was obvious they were on a set and they shot the main part of the attic most of the time.  It was worth watching to me.  And the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond was in it too!

This movie is called the Boy In the Striped Pajamas.  I was keeping the Diary of Anne Frank for a little over a week on the DVR which is past due in our house because the space is so critical.  You either watch it within 4 days or delete without watching.  Today while looking through the regular movie download sites I look through (external links on the blogroll ‘ahem’) everyday I saw one on there I have been wanting to watch since around September.  I thought this must be a sign I will watch Diary of Anne Frank and this other movie on the same night.  Watching two movies right after another is a rarity for me I usually can’t sit still without multitasking for that long.  Getting the time to arrange for one is enough.  I love movies but I would rather get more done then watch a movie for an hour and a half or more.

This movie right when I read the summary reminded me of the book to Kill a Mockingbird.  I haven’t watched the movie yet that is on my to do list.  I read the book when I was a junior in high school and there is a reason why people say it’s a classic.

The boy that is the main character in the movie is named Bruno.  This boy is extremely skinny apparently he is the type to play outside more then eat.   He has dark brown very short hair and bright light blue eyes.  I swear if I adopted him people would assume he was my biological son and I was a slut in high school.  His mom had blue eyes like that too.  But it was so interesting because his clothes were so old fashioned and drab.  He had a light blue sweater vest on some of the time but he wore brown and beige colors at other times.  It was quite a contrast to his bright blue eyes.

Sorry to get girly on you.  His father gets a job through the military and they move next door to a concentration camp.  Bruno’s family eats well but it’s really boring.  He starts to wander and realizes some people are treated differently.  People are treated worse then others.  They wear what he calls striped pajamas.  His older sister that looks about 15 which I don’t remember her age being mentioned is already brainwashed by the Nazis into thinking that Jewish people are not human they are just a waste of skin so treating them as such is to be rewarded and not to be shamed.  Bruno doesn’t get it because every person wearing those strange looking striped pajamas have always been nice to him.  His 8 year old innocent mind can’t wrap his head around it.  See that is why it reminds me of How to Kill a Mockingbird.

This movie could of been gorier and gritty but they took a more mainstream approach IMO.  I don’t think I would ever make a movie that is based during that time because I just don’t feel it’s my calling in life.  The ending is sad as expected.  I enjoyed the movie, it’s not my favorite movie in the whole world now but I love it when a movie proves an overlooked point.  The point in this movie IMO is you learn hate you aren’t born with it and also decent people always go out of their way for a friend.  I know I have a list of friends in my head that I would put their safety over mine if needed.  I don’t want to spoil the end but I love that Bruno went so far for his friend.  I love movies where people go to the edge of the earth to save their friend just because their friend asked.  It reminds me of Harry and I and other friends I have as well.

Two Holucaust movies in one night is definitely heavy on the heart but I think it was needed.  It reminds me that my life is pretty freakin’ great and I shouldn’t judge no matter what happens because it absorbs you.  Comment questions.  Have you ever seen any version of the Diary of Anne Frank?  Have you seen the other movie?  Are you strangely fascinated with any horrible part of history?  Are you fasinated in watching movies or reading books about people that have survived extremely difficult odds?  I would love to read all about it and of course you can write anything you want as long as it’s respectful.  As always anything that is disrespectful to me or others will be deleted.  I feel hate creates more hate so if you post a nasty comment people are tempted to argue etc. so it’s just better to delete all nasty comments ASAP.

My 5 pet peeves for the moment

I posted this comment on a friend’s blog and I thought you people would find it amusing.  One of their pet peeves was people that interrupted while talking to them.

This is that person’s Myspace where their blog is I know not everybody is Myspace friendly.

Like you, I could go on about what I hate about people in general.  I loathe it when people interrupt too!! Especially when you start talking and a thought pops in their head while you are just starting your story and they are so not listening to the rest they are just waiting until you are done talking.  I am 26 but unfortunately I think sometimes I sound like a bitter old woman.  One thing on my list is bitter old women LOL but yeah.  I feel I am a smart person so every time someone does something stupid around me it makes me really upset and I want to punish them for their stupidity.  I try not to let it get to me because I don’t want to shave years off my life because of it but it’s so hard sometimes to tolerate.

My number one is just because it’s fresh on my mind.  I just unsubscribed someone last night on youtube after about a year of watching their videos for one reason.  They kept on doing video responses to a lot of people.  They are unemployed so apparently they have so much time on their hands they can go and make 5 min or even 10 min video responses to people they don’t even know just to get a personal comment on their video from them.  I feel that is so annoying of a thought because I feel that makes them look like such an attention whore.  Also that makes them force someone they don’t know to have to kill 10 minutes of their time verse less then a minute to read a text comment.  Augh! lol!

The second one I could probably over generalize but I hate it when people don’t wait until you are on the sidewalk while crossing the street to start driving again.  That just shows how selfish they are.  I don’t think I need to explain that in more detail I think you know exactly what I am talking about.  All those types of things people do show how selfish that they are is what makes people so bitter towards everybody else.

My third kind of goes with the first one.  I hate I mean I REALLY hate it when people ask stupid questions.  You know the saying you can never ask a stupid question?  I don’t believe it.  I have heard so many stupid questions.  Especially when someone can spend a minute or two googling the information which I do all the time to avoid wasting people’s time.  Some questions if you think about your question with a little common sense you can find an answer without any outside information.  It seems like some people just don’t think before they speak.  It just comes out.  And it makes them look so stupid and worthless.  Told you I sound like a bitter old lady lol!!

Fourth is when old people give out medical information that is either an old wives tale or out of date and they insist it’s true and if you don’t believe them and don’t do what they say they get offended.  Like wtf?  If any old person gives me medical information anymore I take it with a grain of salt.  They just don’t update their information and refuse to listen to anyone correcting them.  I look up any information that anyone tells me to confirm it anyway.  You could say I am a severe skeptic.  I just have been conned a lot is all.

Here is another internet one.  People that write comments that the spelling is terrible.  I mean why waste your time if the comment is going to make you sound like a complete moron?  It doesn’t matter the point you are trying to make if every single word is misspelled and the only words that are spelled correctly are the net speak words.  They should download firefox and use the spell check that comes with it.  Even though from my experience (I am on it right now I use it for my primary browser) it isn’t the best and I actually type in words to google sometimes just so it will do it’s “do you really mean” thing to my misspelled word.

To the people reading this blog post.  What is 5 of your top pet peeves of the moment?

Jasper, the amazing yeast biscuit loving terrier! (Thanksgiving post FTW!)

A few years ago I saw this story in a local free newspaper.  The newspaper consists of just entertainment type stuff.  It usually has a theme.  Like airplanes, famous toys, actors/actresses, specific foods, holiday, etc. with trivia in that theme and jokes in that theme.  It also has coupons, puzzles, movie reviews, etc.  I used to read it at the laundrymat because they always had a stack of them there and it was a decent way to kill time.  One of my favorite stories from that newspaper is this one.  A friend of mine posted a FYI type of blog talking about how to prepare typical thanksgiving foods for your dog.  It reminded me of Jasper, the poor Terrier that had to indulge himself on almost a whole pan of uncooked yeast biscuits.  I hope you enjoy.

This isn’t a picture of him.  This is just a picture I found of a Fox Terrier through Google Image.

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the
summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are
unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child
about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.
Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only
sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can
get without actually performing a French kiss on me.

Lest you think this is a bad case of ‘no discipline,’ should tell
you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including
locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.
Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house Although the cost of the
project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me
out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends
that I like more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner
rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly It was the only appliance in the whole darnï house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs
am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not
wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking
sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans,
much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of
uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.
God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more
than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we
went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to
relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He
was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and mostof the time when
he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was
either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.

He couldn’t lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the
same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn’t stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured
another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was
indeed drunk.

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it
would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.
Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up
and took him with us to my sister’s house for the first Thanksgiving meal
of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute
drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I,we took off.
Now I know you probably don’t believe that dogs burp, but believe me
when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station But that’s not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God
strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire
trip to Karen’s, thankful she didn’t live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister’s garage with the door
locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper’s latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, ‘what goes in must come out’ and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast
rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog’s digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen’s house. Having discovered his ‘packages’ on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from
the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the
blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.
We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else
was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a
coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn’t degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home
and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at
Perry’s sister’s house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to
normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I’m doing
research on the computer as to: ‘How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.’
And how was your day?

Christmas Survey (I don’t usually post these here but…)

These usually stay in Myspace but I thought you guys would find it amusing.  Doing this survey got me in the Christmas spirit just a teeny tiny bit more.  I have been resisting lately.  I am trying to hang onto my Halloween aftermath spirit a little longer.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Choco​late?
It depends on my mood.  Sometimes Hot Chocolate and sometimes Egg Nog

2.Does Santa​ wrap prese​nts or just sit them under​ the tree?
I have always liked how they did it in the movies where the bike is assembled and in front of the tree with a big bow on it…. but I always wrap presents even if the kid gets suspicious to why the wrapping paper matches his/her other presents!

3.Color​ed light​s on tree/​house​ or white​?
White.  Colored lights to me are tacky.  Except if they have some kind of pattern like white blue or green red white.  I loathe flashing lights!!  Like wtf is wrong with people?  Except that one video on youtube where the song is synced up with the lights that is epic.  You should look that up.

4.Do you hang mistl​etoe?
No I have only seen that in the movies, I want one of those mistletoe hats!

5.When do you put your decor​ation​s up?
I don’t have any.  But after Thanksgiving is a must.

6.What is your favor​ite holid​ay dish (​exclu​ding desse​rt)​?
Too hard to decide.  I think fresh out of the oven biscuits w/ butter inside.  Or brussel sprouts w/ water chestnut sauce.  Or turkey with a side of extremely moist stuffing….

7.Favor​ite holid​ay memor​y as a child​:
The gut wrenching anticipation of opening presents.  That can make a child insane!  Or just the day afterwards when you could play with your toys, watch your new movies or listen to your new cds while eating leftover candy and christmas cookies

8.When and how did you learn​ the truth​ about​ Santa​?
I don’t remember how old I was but I think I was in the 3rd grade.  I woke up at about 10am and I usually just laid in bed enjoying slowing waking up but the thought of a stocking waiting for me to go through popped in my head.  I ran into the living room and all of the stockings were empty.

I was confused to what did I ever do to deserve that?  I walked into the family room and told my Grandma that the stockings were empty.  She had this “oh shit” look on her face and told me to stay in the family room and don’t go onto the living room until she said it was ok.  I wondered what she was up to after a few minutes and then when I walked into the living room again I saw my Grandma stuffing the stockings with things from a brown paper bag.  I was dumbfounded.  I felt scammed like I was the last one to find out.  I quickly got over it though.  She always put an orange in our stockings.  Freakin’ Grandma.

9.Do you open a gift on Chris​tmas Eve?
What we did is we opened all of our presents after dinner was ate and the dishes were done that were from our Grandparents (and from my cousin when he lived with us for about 4 years) and then the day after that we opened our relatives presents when they showed up that was before dinner.  The problem was, all of the things we wanted came from our grandparents so the presents we opened from our relatives were what they thought we would like and not really what we asked for.

Sometimes my Grandma would tell them a title of a cd we wanted or something easy like that but not always.  We were told to be polite and she made sure we said thank you.

I really wanted to say “yeah thanks a lot for this stuff you spent money on!” in a sarcastic way.  I was rude a few years ago now that relative doesn’t buy me presents anymore.  I don’t care, I mean she gave me toothpaste and cheap shampoo for a present!  Like wtf?  And then she spent like 25 bucks a piece on my sisters.  At least.  She said I am hard to shop for I don’t think I am.  Just give me a gift card woman I’ll do the rest.

10.How do you decor​ate your Chris​tmas Tree?
I love the random promotional ornaments that were made in the 80’s and 90’s by restaurants tieing in with a movie or a saturday morning cartoon that I want to collect a lot of.  Also the vintagey looking stuff like the old fashioned santa and holly hobby stuff.  That’s an odd combo but I have never labeled myself as normal.  Ahem.

11.Snow!​ Love it or Dread​ it?
I used to love snow as a kid.  The worse it got the more school we missed and it was so much fun.  I remember one time I made a snowman and then for lunch enjoyed a chef boyardee type pasta in a can shaped as ninja turtles.  Another time we made a track around a tree in our backyard it it froze a little overnight (which we wanted to have happen) and my sisters and I took turns pushing ourselves around the tree on a sleigh type thing we scrounged up.  Now I don’t like it as much.  It’s a pain in the ass to walk in and it’s a pain in the ass to drive anywhere in.  It sure is pretty though 🙂

12.Do you know how to ice skate​?
No.  I went to a rink once and I was too chicken shit to learn how to be a good skater.  Also the same with going to the roller rink.

13.Do you remember​ your favor​ite gift?
When I was 10 I got a swiss army knife.  A basic one.  I wanted one because I thought every boy in america had one and so therefore I needed one to blend in.  That is when I became a tomboy around that time.  My Granddad called several stores asking for one.  I thought it was so cool and thanked him but quickly didn’t pay much attention to it.

I mean it wasn’t going to help me in some really gnarly adventures or anything.  To my knowledge it’s still hanging on my Grandparents key rack in their bathroom.  Long live the swiss army knife 🙂  I always had that one present I really looked forward to.  I think the coolest one really was a NES my aunt gave my sisters and I and it was a total surprise.  My Grandma told us not to tell her son Bill (he was in his mid 30’s then) that our aunt is the one that gave us the NES because she thought he would get upset.  I told him about 4 years ago.  He was surprised but not that upset.

14.What is your favor​ite Holid​ay Desse​rt?
The classic Pumpkin pie w/ a layer of whipped cream on top.  It was included in the meal but the fruit salads and jello salads always felt like a form of dessert and were always slightly different every year.

15Wha​t is your favor​ite holid​ay tradi​tion?
Watching frosty the snowman, rudolph the rednosed reindeer, garfield’s christmas, charlie brown’s christmas and the simpsons christmas (the first one!) every year.  I think that is the only thing I have done consistently.  I love watching people open presents too especially children!  Also the kindness really comes out in people during the holiday season.  AND the advent calendar at x-entertainment.com!!!

16.What tops your tree?
What tops my Grandma’s tree every year is an older angel that is very pretty.  She plugs it in and it lights up.  I haven’t gotten a topper on mine yet.  I think I will get an angel too.

17.Which​ do you prefe​r givin​g or Recei​ving gifts​?
As an adult now I just want money.  Quite honestly.  But I love giving and I always feel awful when I can’t afford presents for the people I love.  I am not going to my Grandparents this year for Christmas (family drama, don’t even get me started!!) but I am fedexing some presents still for the family members I still love.  I might not be there, but I still want the ones that I still love in my family to get a 25 dollar gift card a piece.  That’s just how I roll.

18.What is your favor​ite Chris​tmas Song?
I couldn’t pick one really.  I love the cheesy ones from holiday specials, the timeless ones that everybody loves (Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?!??!?) and the dated ones I know from holiday specials from my childhood.  X-entertainment.com has an excellent Christmas (and Halloween) playlist that if anyone out there is looking for one to put on shuffle on their computer they should definitely it check out.  It’s updated every year.  Long live the X-E jukeboxes!!!

19.Candy​ Canes​!​ Yuck or Yum?
I love em’.  The traditional ones, and also the ones that hershey puts out that are really good.  They are chocolate and peppermint flavored!

20.What do you want for Chris​tmas?
To have a great time with my best friend Harry.  And a wii fit!  And contact lenses!

Feel free to steal this survey and replace my answers.